I strive for equality and choose not to indulge instant gratification at the expense of my purpose.

I am responsible for my own decisions and take on only what I can handle based upon that which I value.

I am empowered by choice and my asset is negotiation.

Instant Gratification...what a lovely yet sad set of words..a McDonalds cheeseburger is instant happiness yet the weeks, months and years to change that mindset is a struggle and unhappiness.

Being healthy and happy isnt instant it is forever..but it is a daily accomplishment..

Finding peace within myself reguardless of weight is a challenge...finding that meeting someone on a date and the later comments of you are heavier then your pictures (my pictures are less then 30 days old...maybe I should love my camera more!) I am who I am and I am real about who I am...I spent 10 days or so feeling a bit dejected on the follow up comments..He was kind..not meant as cruel just honest from his opinon. Was I wearing colored glasses or did I need to stop looking at pictures and start looking inside and at my quality of health and life...Ohhh bother for so much being on a visual and apperance base...But lets be honest...it is the truth of how we ALL work in someways (some more than others!)

But it made me realise...this was my journey and my life and I am a wonderful fabulous amazing woman (yeah that is always a sell for a blind date...) but my weight doesnt define me but somedays if confines me

So instead of my weight being my crutch or boulder I am lettingf my health and Medifast be my tool...my goal is ALL about Me!

Discovery

I discovered there is always someone for everyone..I get emails..I LOVE BBW's..Love curves and extra girl..That great but I dont...

o just love yourself as you are...HELLO I do love myself..hence the weight loss and journey...I love myself enough to CARE..to want better to find health..to enjoy me life energy...

I have stopped weighing daily..it was a killer and to easy to justify frustration eating or ohh down 3 I can eat just 10 chips...weight fluxuates so once a week allows me a longer period to be 100% on Plan and to see the bigger results!

Ohhh on Plan..I have lots of request...of my secret! I am back on Medifast..after losing 70 lbs I took a break..I needed to re-adjust my mental image, my desires and refocus! I kept the 70 lbs off..and took off 7 months..so in 9 months I lost 70 lbs..but all of a sudden the compliments and the new clothes felt comfortable..and I needed to reset my thinking and say HEY 70 more is do-able...sucessful..DONT STOP dont go 50% go 100%...

I love Medifast for the support, the ease and the true sucess..I have heard the expense reason and the "it isnt enough to eat reason"...but truly..is there a cost on your health and your life..and with the reduction in grocery trips at the local market. I order it online..it automatically ships (I can change my order as needed or taste!) and it really really works! My kids have even offered to help me with the cost (they are 19 and 22) because it matters so much that I am healthy and they KNOW Medifast works...they have seen it...I think my kids could be spokespersons as a way to get parents and adults to see the true importance health is..it is our future..it is their future..

But I know the struggle..I know the journey..

And dating as a single,44,and chubby female is a struggle...but it isnt about dating it is about finding health and me....Soon I will tell you the story of the date that made me really understand the physical apperance.. and a bit of a sting it produced.

Get Real...Get Honest

So here I am again battling the total desire to grab a hold of the food monster and release its mad desire of me and shrink it to its new meaning..nutrients to heal, grow and survive...

Food is a must..the choices we make with it are of no blame but our own. But it's history in my life makes it forever chained to my ankle..like a bad prisoner I drag it along. I have tried Weight Watchers, LA Weight Loss, under 1200 calories a day and even Slim Fast...they all failed...wait..I failed! But each experience has shown the pattern that food has a emotional control over me (Ok I let it) as much as the need to keep my body full.

So my history is such as many...feeling good and the weight is down and life is good...then stress or major life changes and ohh how I love food to make it all ok and comfy. Then the feeling of "I dont like ME" ..."I cant fit in ANYTHING" and then I eat to feel better about over eating...vicious circle

And then I found myself at 39 in a widowed state...Life spiraled fast I stopped wanting to breath..the idea of caring enough to think I was now single seemed even more painful...I gained 80 lbs..slept less than 4 hrs a night and my heart was broken beyond belief. No longer wanting to cook the family meal, as it was the most empty feeling ever, I stopped by McDs or ordered pizza for the kids. I didnt want any male to look at me..my heart was broken & shattered..I was struggling... for 4 years I raised my kids and worked on feeling like life was worth so much more. My kids were completing major steps into adulthood and I was sinking into despair..soon they would be gone and all of the hopes and plans we had set (we was now just I)..just me..alone.

One day I looked in the mirrow and thought "life didnt end it has started a new chapter..a new book almost"... It isn't that the world is stopping... I just need to get back out there and join it. I feared the idea of dating..not just because it meant I had to open up and share but I was in disrepair...I was hiding within my ownself...I had given up on me..I was now a single BBW (later on that term)

Yes yes you hear it often You have beautiful and amazing eyes, phenominal personality...everyones best friend. I hate the title BBW..I refuse to go there I am overweight (I am 4'10" so big never really fit) and amazing, intelligent, funny, sexy, talented, outgoing, and the list goes on. I am stable and have a healthy concept of a relationship, have a great job and wonderful friend...all sound like words I have written on 100 dating profiles..Oh but Hello I am CHUBBY and still single!

I have lost that 70 lbs that I gained over my grief and loss but oh staring at my in the face is the other half that I gained while making great family meals with too many desserts, fast food while running to 100 sporting and school events, the pain from a young and abusive first marriage and the frustration that life deals us all...but weight doesnt make us who we are but it does have that first appearance appeal or rejection..If blind dates were truley that we would be seen in a different view..thru words, emotions, intelligence and the inside..But be REAL here we arent and as shallow as it sounds most look first and ask later (come on we all do it) I do know that who I am inside does not change and that is one amazing person and as I go through this journey I want to seek the person who will love me for WHO I am and will walk the battle with me..in the end the goal isnt thin or skinny it is healthy and active!


So here I am again on the battle... but this has a different meaning..it is for an about me..and investment. I want to live and be healthy to watch my amazing children grow up and find life.

Me at the heaviest

Me wanting to live