Food is a must..the choices we make with it are of no blame but our own. But it's history in my life makes it forever chained to my ankle..like a bad prisoner I drag it along. I have tried Weight Watchers, LA Weight Loss, under 1200 calories a day and even Slim Fast...they all failed...wait..I failed! But each experience has shown the pattern that food has a emotional control over me (Ok I let it) as much as the need to keep my body full.
So my history is such as many...feeling good and the weight is down and life is good...then stress or major life changes and ohh how I love food to make it all ok and comfy. Then the feeling of "I dont like ME" ..."I cant fit in ANYTHING" and then I eat to feel better about over eating...vicious circle
And then I found myself at 39 in a widowed state...Life spiraled fast I stopped wanting to breath..the idea of caring enough to think I was now single seemed even more painful...I gained 80 lbs..slept less than 4 hrs a night and my heart was broken beyond belief. No longer wanting to cook the family meal, as it was the most empty feeling ever, I stopped by McDs or ordered pizza for the kids. I didnt want any male to look at me..my heart was broken & shattered..I was struggling... for 4 years I raised my kids and worked on feeling like life was worth so much more. My kids were completing major steps into adulthood and I was sinking into despair..soon they would be gone and all of the hopes and plans we had set (we was now just I)..just me..alone.
One day I looked in the mirrow and thought "life didnt end it has started a new chapter..a new book almost"... It isn't that the world is stopping... I just need to get back out there and join it. I feared the idea of dating..not just because it meant I had to open up and share but I was in disrepair...I was hiding within my ownself...I had given up on me..I was now a single BBW (later on that term)
Yes yes you hear it often You have beautiful and amazing eyes, phenominal personality...everyones best friend. I hate the title BBW..I refuse to go there I am overweight (I am 4'10" so big never really fit) and amazing, intelligent, funny, sexy, talented, outgoing, and the list goes on. I am stable and have a healthy concept of a relationship, have a great job and wonderful friend...all sound like words I have written on 100 dating profiles..Oh but Hello I am CHUBBY and still single!
I have lost that 70 lbs that I gained over my grief and loss but oh staring at my in the face is the other half that I gained while making great family meals with too many desserts, fast food while running to 100 sporting and school events, the pain from a young and abusive first marriage and the frustration that life deals us all...but weight doesnt make us who we are but it does have that first appearance appeal or rejection..If blind dates were truley that we would be seen in a different view..thru words, emotions, intelligence and the inside..But be REAL here we arent and as shallow as it sounds most look first and ask later (come on we all do it) I do know that who I am inside does not change and that is one amazing person and as I go through this journey I want to seek the person who will love me for WHO I am and will walk the battle with me..in the end the goal isnt thin or skinny it is healthy and active!
So here I am again on the battle... but this has a different meaning..it is for an about me..and investment. I want to live and be healthy to watch my amazing children grow up and find life.
Me at the heaviest
Me wanting to live
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